Writing | Prose | Canonical Girl's Journey: A Psychedelic...

Canonical Girl's Journey: A Psychedelic Meditation on the Phenomenal Qualia of Personality States and their Coalescence in the Now
by Tony Caulfield, 02.12.2006

...and as the ceremony had culminated in orgasmic spasms of her mundanely euphoric mind, claiming to be her spiritually exalted soul, some spark of her self split up and started observing her from the outside.

There she stood in the center of attention, recognition, admiration, ideals of love, the illusion of human goodness, the certainty of numinous forgiveness, the power to guide the willing sheep, the reflections of her own presence to will the wolves into being guided, and her intelligence teaching herself to close her eyes from the injustices of the doctrines she is not yet powerful enough to change, to not be blinded when the time shall come to look into the eyes of the mega therion that nests inside the inner circle of its officially declared enemies.

People applaudingly lauding, colorful tunes being played, the sweet smell of elevation all around, feelings of receiving all the energy generated by the meaning millions attribute to what had now absorbed her as of its own matter. And it was at the moment that very feeling pervaded her, that her spark of self that had escaped this moment lead her out of the hall, outside unto the campus, walking across liquid-feeling lawns, touched by the soft light of an unusually warm decemberly noon. Leaves were dancing through the air as if painting ornamentations into the vibrating space surrounding her. People merging into the landscape that became one with the buildings in a symbiotic embrace, as if longing for harmony and unity with all things existing.

A warm stream of air felt her body and she felt like the wind on its journey over the forests, the oceans, the prairies and the fluid tissue of the sensitive, glowing grass beneath her. She lay down floatingly and as the ground softly touched her, she felt that she must have plunged into a dream of warmth. Warm feelings of technicolor, brilliant sensations, sharp and yet mild, warm smells rising from the warm-sounding grounds. A feeling of sheep grazing, with no responsibilities to inhale, no power to breathe out into the lungs of the those seeking structure in authority, seeking authority in canon law.

In this moment of freedom she saw there was no structure anymore, no shape, no presence of shapes to indicate the existence of space.


Like in an old song, she saw that world crumble and thought she was dead, but she found her senses still working. Her inner sense telling her, a priori, that space exists. The meta level of realizing her own thoughts telling her that pure reason had a vessel that was her consciousness, reassuring her that she was still existent, even though her body had dissolved into the bright whiteness all around her.

It was from this color lacking a surface to be painted upon, that a man she felt to be of her age, despite his younger mind and much older deteriorating body, appeared next to her. He was dressed in black leather and had no face. She looked at his head and saw a feeling of nothing-there.

"No, I'm not He who is", he replied to her rays of thought, "I'm merely some guy talking to you. Today is the day to take a little journey through what we believe to be the fourth dimension named time. You were taught to believe it is there and that it influences our life, that it heals wounds or extends the pain of what causes them by being so cruel to go on and on into the one direction that is called "passing", making it impossible for us to go back to the harmful moments we wish to amend by acting differently than we used to do in that non-seizable moment of now that was then. Yet with no changes being made to matter, thoughts and concepts inside and outside what is your own self, would you even notice "time" were supposed to exist?

I have come to invite you to merge with me and perceive your existence through my senses, thoughts and feelings in this state of now.

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Let's start with the so-called beginning of time. Some told you that in the beginning there was nothing until that first unmoved mover observed that nonexistent anything and caused something to come into existance out of nothing. Like measuring the spin of one atom affects another atom miles away. Yet there was no matter to be moved through observation. So how can it be that anything is?

You were told that time itself had not existed before it came into being. At what time did time start existing if it wasn't there? If we know a priori that all things are within space, and know that God used the big bang to cause some matter of nothingness to explode and expand until it will contract and collapse into the omega point of infinite density, then where had this matter been that shaped what we call space? What had contained it, if not space? What is beyond the borders of its expansion?

They say all dimensions are bent in a way and that shall suffice as the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything, also known as 42. They say that we will find a formula explaining the world and all existence, and it will be as beautiful as the concept of God, in fact it might be God. The perfect formula exists, cause if it didn't, it could not be the perfect formula, as something nonexisting is never as perfect as a perfect concept that actually exists. The having of the concept proves its validity.

All of these little mindgames - you know them so well, but at the end of our this-dimensional state of being, they are rendered completely irrelevant the very moment we have made the transition. You once felt what it was like knowing the answer, without being able to explain whence this knowledge came, didn't you? That enabled the beginnings of what you have achieved today.

And now you feel that you know how to use the official answers to communicate the illusion of knowledge to those unable to even understand the question. You feel that this is is an arrogant statement from someone unqualified to comment? This is not relevant to me, neither to yourself. What is relevant to you and those you play amongst is possessing the intruments to compose a symphony that stays as harmonic as possible and keeps the listeners floating in a state of acceptance of what is to keep them controllable whatever may come.

Are you enraged that I would question your idealism, your true convictions? Then you are deeply mistaken. Your ideals I honour and admire as I take their authenticity for granted, regardless of how much my perception of certain people's true nature has betrayed me over and over again. Your ideals shall guide you to guide them through this passage that is our dimension. Inspired by meaning-giving communication and rites, they might even pick a purpose and view their present form of existence as a mission to be fulfilled instead of just suiciding themselves into the next unknown sphere that is either eternal bliss (as might as well be reached through being a brain in a vat, fed with the most desired stimuli), inferno that is rather started now than feared a lifetime, or nothingness that renders every thought about feeling pleasure or pain to be as nonexisting as these feelings themselves.

Hear me, as I say to you that I am truly fascinated by your present personality state, not merely cause of what it is, but cause of what it had been at these moments in so-called time you still feel to be in the past, seperate from the current now. Let go of what you learned and follow me on this journey, for this is why I have come.

Firstly, look at this whiteness surrounding the collective us. Why is this nothingness to you? Cause it is our nature to perceive a white space as empty, as incomplete. Imagine a white sheet of paper lying on a classroom table. There is nothing written upon it; hence it is empty to you, something is missing. Now imagine a black sheet of paper lying there. It is not incomplete, it is just what it is. You might contemplate its purpose, yet don't feel it needs to be written upon.

If white is associated with purity in our cultural area, then why do we feel that something white needs to be written upon or to be decorated with paintings or graffity to not be empty and incomplete anymore? The oldest culture, the Egyptian culture, perceived black to be the color of the soul. Like a black sheet of paper, the black soul is not stained; it is pure and yet complete. Collective consiousness makes us wear black if we feel the subconscious need to be perceived as existential and not lacking, not being an empty or incomplete person. Yet we refer to beings that cannot be trusted as "black sheep".

You have moved from wearing grey to black, haven't you? Yet you feel purified today and washed clean from your past. You know it better than I and could put it a lot more eloquently: yes, our belief systems and convictions have been subject to and shaped by agendas that are not our own. We have been taught that black means white and white means black.

And there are many things you might have been or will be told - by someone you trust blindly - that are not true. Forget about all of that for now. Look at my face and what you see is blank. Who I'm alleged to be is not relevant; my message - unstained by what I supposedly am - is relevant. Feel the message, for what you will hear is just a trace, a hint at what there is to ingest via your mind into your soul, utilizing the melting pot of all your senses. Talk is merely a symptom of thought mating with communicative spirit.

All I will say, you are certainly able to counter with the wise words of an erudite, intellectual scholar, well-bred and well-educated. Believe me, I am well aware of that, yet it is insignificant to me. My mind was killed long ago and I had called for it, looking into the eyes of the sun.

You, however, have been honoured and initiated into the inner circle of those who use their power to pursue such or such goals, ideals or ideologies. A few of them abuse it knowingly and do evil to gain personal pleasure in all kinds of ways and forms, or seemingly and strangely as an end in itself. Some others claim to confuse evil for good and will insist, that their convictions were not to be identified as such through pure reason as being categorically false and unethical. Do you feel you have the strength of mind and character to survive amongst the wolves and yet stay the well-fortified sheep you are? Yes you do. And I believe it is so.

You have met their expectations through your will and effort and they have given you power in return. This power is as blank as this white light. It is neutral, has no intrinsic value. The way you use it will make it either good or bad. Use it wisely. I am sure you will, once you realize the structure that dogma has made you embrace and willfully inject into your own being. This structure is supposed to be a tool you can use to lend authority to your power, since adhering to the structure will make you being perceived as competent by those clinging to the structure. It is a construct, a shape, like a complex building.

Now feel what you felt when you were at the ceremony being introduced into the higher echelon. Do you feel the feel of then in now? You felt your mind oversaturated with the elusive entity of triumph that was formed by the sensory overflow, deriving much less through the stimuli consciously composed by the ceremonial masters than through your perceiving the feel of your own identity being captured in this state of now. That triumph was a pure creature you felt the immaculate conceiver of. It had no direction for there was nothing to triumph over than a long-forgotten past of carnal pleasures and depth of mind, hidden under a flat surface of simplifications and talk about the beauty of grey cars and the alleged inadequacy of some forgotten faceless guy's reproducing organ.

Time had been the fuel to keep the vehicle of your actions running way out of past-town. And by that, time had sanctified your fading memories with the mercy of irrelevance. Here and now, at the very height of your worldly achievements, all spiritual insight, that visions long passed had made you gain through willful destruction of what once formed the essence of your life and striving, had been routed into tubes made of sterile dogma explaining to death the sensations of what it's like to be enlightened, to feel the illumination, the phenomenal qualia of seeing the light.

These tubes, highly structured and interlinked to take the shape of a diamond's molecular structure, now keep you firmly inside, protecting you, shielding you from the intrusion of secular doubt and maybe sometimes blocking your sight of such and such outerworld parts. Fed with input of why to believe what can only be sensed, you might have stopped sensing what can only be believed, have softly melted into a more and more viscous state of gradually becoming part of the diamond structure. Your mind hardening in the process; your soul being an entity explainable through theology, a science free to decorate itself with fancy acceptance of quantum physics as proof of doctrines that decline any need for such ornaments to keep standing unshaken by the lack of empirical evidence for the viability of the very theories they're based upon.

Chances are, you have been taught to accept the canon, and this blind acceptance now replaces your reception of spiritual truth through intuition. The breathing membrane between felt spiritual guidance that once showed you the way, and the fortress to which this way lead, has turned into a concrete wall. Do you see the structure around your mind now? Yes you do. And this is what you behold: Steel tubes forming molecular structures and the joints are the shattered hopes and dreams of these people you counseled applying canonical laws to make them feel better about the decline of their mating-connections.

Were you instructed to try and give them incentives to stay together for the mere purpose of mating, as if biology, through the urges it implants into us, would communicate the will of God? Why shall our species endure and prevail? We have brought the utmost pain and suffering upon this planet. Why are we to subdue earth, make it our subject? And if we were to fulfill that human interpretation of presumed Godly intention: why would we keep on mating and reproducing to do so, when it is plain to see that we already overpopulate this planet and will soon reach the point when the huge mass of humans alone will use up so much oxygen, that we will all suffocate or live under a dome, where we will then sooner or later kill each other, since too many of us per space has always resulted in severe and often violent conflicts.

Evolution of the mind has enabled us to create an ideal of humanity that brought forth ethical standards that allegedly set us apart from the other animals, which leave those of their own not fit to survive to die. We know the urge to help the weak. And yet some of us know the urge to kill and torture others just to gain pleasure from it, just to see how somebody suffers and dies with no other motive than lust for murder apparent.

So why this agenda to keep humans reproducing? Would you really want to be part of it? Would you not cry, seeing a child starving to death cause their parents, unable to make reason and empathy their guide rather than dogma, were told to reproduce? Would you not be disgusted to see a child having to grow up, its innocent mind being raped every day by parents too unfeeling, insipid, incompetent to raise a child in such a way, that it will acquire the skills to achieve being accepted, or at least be left alone by those whose mere presence is unacceptable?

This is the structure you see. It can be a cage if you forget how to look through the spaces between the tubes to see what is outside. The purpose of telling you that, is to make you feelingly become aware of your present state of personality. How that personality is like could be described if you told me about your typical behaviors in atypical situations, your schedule and daily routine, your interests, your pleasures and fears, all that determines your general intentional state, your cognitive patterns your convictions and beliefs. Yet I could never fathom precisely what it feels like to be that personality of you. That is phenomenal qualia: To know what it feels like. To feel the emotion.

Have you sometimes thought that there were certain eras, certain periods of time that had a very own distinctive feel to it? Didn't the 80s feel different than the 90s? Wasn't there a certain taste of permanent ambivalence attached, which back then was easy to be sugarcoated with superficiality and boundless hedonism, garnished with outward presence and determination when useful, and powered by the urge to indulge in carnal pleasures and copulating with what your mates represented to you according to their behavioral patterns, communication styles and social backgrounds? I think it was along the lines of that.

Then the feel of the era must have changed and in changing, it made it recognizable to you that there were certain phenomenal qualia somehow attached to this decade or period in your life. But what you sensed was not the change of the feel of time; it was the change of what it felt like to be yourself.

Without a doubt, you have gone through many personality states. Maybe some contradicting some of the others, regarding the convictions and priorities that determined who they were. I have made the same experience. This is mindmetamorphosis that comes through perception and interpreting changes of one's surroundings. And that is the process of learning and shaping one's mind.

But you think that the states of yourself, that you have left behind were forever lost, and that you will never be able to feel what it was like to be yourself when you had been in a different personality state, than the one you are in now. Oh, this is wrong, very wrong to assume. I have come to make you aware of the fact that you can be in all of your different personality states at the one moment in time, that is always now. And all these personality states are you at any time, cause their unity forms your true identity.

But how is this awareness of being all of your own selves in the now being obtained? There are different ways to reach this goal. Yet, there is no way but through opening your mind to the rediscovery of yourself. On that road, you might sometimes experience feelings that strike you as strange and unknown at first, yet will turn out to remind you of when you had been in a personality state that knew these feelings very well. By that you have found nothing more nor less than a part of your own self. And that part is yourself, as you are reflected in every part of what shapes the entirety of your being: body, mind, soul, aura and all the forms and shapes of all that is you in spin offs of your true identity, such as in fictional characters, paintings, songs, thoughts or visions inspired by you.

Let us float outside this construction of dogmatic tubes for a while and explore other rooms that the fluid of the everything (a symbiosis of matter, thoughts, dreams and beliefs) around us will form as we move. These shall be the rooms of the specific and yet altering feels of your personality states in the now of back then, the now of yet to come, and the now that never is but a spark extinguished the same moment it lights up.

See this room forming. This is you willfully giving in to a feeling of eternal falling into an abyss of the unknown, and yet trusting a soft sea of endless harmony and stimulation of body, mind and spirit to float below. There are the men you knew in a biblical sense no less than in a spiritual. This room is composed of moments that feel like a billion years in intensity. The moment of a trillion times a trillion scenes flashing up in highdef symphonical technicolor in the center of your mind and warming each and every atom of your whole being, while you are on your way to school, envisioning what it will be like to see that one guy today.

And you repeat your planned choreography over and over and over in your head, making changes and adjustments, yet all the time knowing that the moment you feel waiting for endless lifetimes in each and every second, when it comes, will be different. How can you impress him today with who you are; how can you transport your true self through your behavior and actions? One blink with your massive eyelids revealing your huskyblue eyes, one subtle movement of your arm to have the zillion platinum bangles over your grey cashmere sleeve rattling like a Pavlovian bell, one slight overbending of your chucks while walking down the hallway.

And how can you disguise that in you, which scares you? Your guidance is that of his own being which you inhale and strive to become one with, everytime you observe him. You seek to feelingly analyze what constitutes his being and try to become the corresponding part in wholeness and entirety forever, to melt into him and become the perfect symbiosis. But does he, too, seek to shape himself after what he believes you to perceive as the ideal of a whole being, worthy to become one with? And, in this process, is what he disguises that, which would attract you, or appall you? Do you doubt him ever? You tell your girlfriends that you do, but that is a lie used as a shield of protection in between your authentic emotional center and your rational wrappings.

This state will never cease for all eternity of this moment and soon this moment will end. There will be another guy standing right in front of you as you sit on that classroom table and your state of feelings, convictions and ideals will be the same for yet another eternity of the moment. And when it passes you will die forever, decompose and melt into the river below, a stream of bloody tears and endless suffering. Soon the liquid will freeze and burn to ashes, out of which the Phoenix of you will rise to unbeknownst highs, once again.

Now, this is called the room of love.


Look over there. That room is closely attached. Sometimes it's merely a corner of the same room than the one our senses just visited; sometimes they are two entirely separate rooms. In some cases, there is money and substances involved when entering here. And always, power is breathed and inhaled in this room, as it personifies a symbiosis of will and longing to be under will.

There is you copulating. Somewhere locked in a floating black box, beyond the stars over your adrenaline-squirting brain, there are spiritual experiences and romantic notions stored away to watch the pleasure of the flesh from a save distance, not interfering with the process that is described, essentially, in a denotative manner.

Location: A classroom, your chamber in your parents' home, your lover's Jaguar, a forest, a field of rye, your parents' swimming pool, a dressing room, a public bathroom, a bedroom at the location of a private party, a college building, the campus lawn, a convent, the living room of your house, a private airplane, a beach, a huge mirror, a bathtub filled with white powder, a bubble of white light, a giant mushroom, a universe of vibrant dancing colors,...

At the start of penetration you will be nude or wear one piece of clothing up to a combination of clothing that could be anything. Grey chucks, a grey cashmere pullover, blue jeans (cut open to enable penetration), a grey-striped T-shirt, chucks with some form of texture (leopardish or zebrastriped), black clothing, a blue buttoned shirt, black leather, a latex suit, steel chains, handcuffs, a blindfold, a white orgy mask, a green orgy mask (last used when your competence in consenting was still doubted), olive oil, lines of white powder,...

The atmosphere is a combination of the visions and feelings in your head and the fluid 3-dimensional carpet of music filling the setting. Velvet Underground, The Doors, Jefferson Airplane, Iron Butterfly.

The positions are too numerous to list. They are mostly divided into the main categories of standing, kneeling, lying, sitting and walking positions, yet many blend in with other categories. They can be ancient, Indian, self-designed, intuitive, improvised, developed, sophisticated, athletic, painful, asphyxiating,...

The intensity of penetration covers a wide spectrum; the same applies to the types of phallic movements that range from all kinds of straight, diagonal, circling, sideways and up and down moves, to combinations of them. These movements are either agreed upon to be taken as they come, or determined through verbal and nonverbal communication before or during intercourse, through timelines, music, codes, change of lighting, randomized commands through technology, pupil expansion and contraction, choreography,...

The possible movements of bodies and limbs are everything from pre-determined by a strict choreography, which may or may not adhere to a timeline, the grade of the pleasure or pain of one or more of the people involved, music, forms of communication, state of mind, state of surroundings, stellar conjunction, temperature of bodies, bodily fluids,... These controlled or uncontrolled movements can be shifting, grabbing, stroking, scratching, turning, trembling, hardening of limbs, convulsive, synchronous, asynchronous, symmetric or failing to be symmetric,...

The sound can range from slow to fast and light to heavy breathing to all varieties of moans, screams, words, sentences, whispers and exclamations, which could be written down using various forms of specially designed phonetic symbols and descriptions, endlessly combined and composed consciously, intuitively or randomly, woven together into a symphony of orgiastic vocals and sounds. Each sound may or may not be attached to specific phallic or other physical movements or changes of the state of the surroundings.

Orgasmic behavior can include emitting rays of light and a huge spectrum of different physical and auditory responses. Bodily fluids can be applied to all parts of your body, inside and outside.

Partners might be male, female or hermaphrodite, one to any number, of the human or of another species, young or younger and always sure to possess a consciousness developed enough to consent.

This is the room of carnal pleasures.

If I claimed that any doctrine which seeks to close this room to those who do not on their own decision decide to not enter it, were against the purpose of creation...could you ever prove the opposite, without citing worldly books written by human authors contradicting themselves and yet all claiming to communicate the true will of God? No? Good. Let's float on to the next room.


This room is drowned in a rain of tears and fluid pain, blocking the lungs of suffocating happiness and smiles of moments past. It is you at the open coffin of the ones that have moved on to the next dimension before you. In the now of that very moment you look into the blind glassballs of what had once been the so-called windows to their souls, you know them to be waiting for you there, yet feel they have made you wait an eternity to meet them again. Staying and waiting is a glimpse of the inferno, if it does exists, and hellfire is identical with the freezing coldness in your heart and soul, when the part of it that had been outsourced to that other person, to that idea, concept, plan, love relation, matter and whatever other entity that you lost, is not there for you anymore to access the way you used to, only through remembrance.

This is you visiting the places that remind you of what has changed its state of being, or what has moved on to elsewhere. It is also a room to kneel down and self-castigate, for deeming your own failures being the creature that gave birth to what you have not achieved or obtained. These moments will flow again through this form of life that is your present existence. No titles, no level of education, no grade of intelligence, no material and monetary wealth, no worldly power and not even spiritual superiority can protect you from entering this room.

This is the room of sadness, loss and mourning.


Let's move on into the center of that room. See that dark, light-absorbing, windowless concrete dome in the middle? We shall evaporate ourselves through these walls to condense inside and behold the terror we find in this maelstrom of infinite, inconsolable sadness, suffocating pain and terror.

This is the world of mournful cacophonous sounds that cannot be heard or seen or felt or smelt by anyone. Energy is routed back to the one emitting it, eating up the creature that lies there on the altar of ultraemotions which remain unreturned by whom they have been aimed at, throughout an endless chain of moments, each lasting a zillion of lifetimes.

See this guy lying there, his body, mind and soul bleeding, lacerating itself, decomposing? See the shadows that he breathes, each one being a deathwish? Eros and Thanatos are mating ceaselessly in his mind and the stillborn children they give birth to, are chewing on the rotting remains of his will to keep living in this dimension and bear the pain just to keep himself from passing it on to the few people who would mourn his death, if he chose suicide. Luckily, this is not you. Consider yourself happy and I heartily wish that you shall never set foot into that dome of antilife again.

For this is the room of depression.

I have brought you here for a purpose. Look up and behold the tube that connects this room with another one. That other room floating above us is feeding this one constantly, makes and keeps it what it is, the incarnation of the definition of hell as a state of mind. Do you dare to see what would create such despair and suffering? Yes, for you are courageous. But what you are going to see, will not make any sense to you and if it does, then you will not believe your senses and call them liars. What is this room? Let's float upwards.


See and behold: It is boundless brilliance, highest echelon of talent and creativity, ultimate appeal of personality and visual attractivity beyond all measures, mindswallowing aura, limitless intelligence, seemingly highest ideals, a vision of the entirety of all that is beautiful, good, desirable, admirable. It is a creature that induces idealization and even iconization of itself in all beings that perceive it for one glimpse only.

Look around you. There are no words for the dazzling vibrant energies that flood this room, creating a supernatural nature, a new form of being. That being is the way it feels like, to be in that personality state you are in when in this room. You have experienced moments of being in close proximity to what resides in the very center of this location. Look into this indescribably bright, blinding, fluid light of purity and perfection. It is white light in your mind, for you have been taught to perceive white as a sign of purity. What is it, that moves in the midst of this light, emitting it through itself, oozing that white light, being that white light?

It is an immaculately white unicorn. Where she is, there can be no darkness. She is light and light is through her. The closer you get to her, the more you feel embraced by her light and in being accepted, appreciated and loved by her, you feel infinite power running into all directions at once, through the veins of your very spirit. Adore the unicorn. Trust the unicorn. It has no faults.

Now look down through that tube again, into that other room below. See this guy cut apart into microparticles of tears and blood, by the razorblades that are forming from the drops of white fluid light that sidle down this tube. How can this be?

And look around you and see the former friends of the lacerated piece of soul down there, all sitting around the unicorn, hailing it in all its glory. Once they trusted this entity that is now meat for the razorblades of malice to cut apart. They knew him as a man of many faults, yet still being someone worthy of trust, peaceful, persistent, believing in friendship, honest, willing to help wherever he can, reliable, energetic at times. He had played with their children, had felt their pain when they were suffering, kept their secrets he was entrusted with. Now they think of him as someone deserving hell and isolation. I shall ask you again: How can this be?

The answer might open your senses to the truth. Yet much more likely, it will close them and build a wall around your beliefs to guard them against that, which could shatter them. Let's leave this bizarre sight now and move on.

And now, that we have reached the outskirt of this room and gained some distance, look back just once. What is it now, that you see in its center? That creature is not a unicorn. It's not immaculately bright white. There is no spiral horn on her forehead but just hair, mohawk style. Black hair. Yes, there are dark elements all of a sudden. About as many as bright ones. They are black stripes. What is this animal now?

That, my dear, is a zebra. It has outrageous lies and harmful defamations coming out of its mouth, its tongue steaming from the cruelty that evaporates from the malicious saliva bleeding from a soul, that might once have been pure and just as loving as its disguise is lovable. But now it strives for gaining joy through causing suffering, torture and destruction for no other reason than sadistic pleasure gained through the use of knowledge of its own force and resulting power as an end in itself, with no justification or explanation needed or given. Malice nurtures itself and feeds from itself.

And the white light this zebra feeds the men surrounding it is so bright, that they see not the dark stripes all over its body. What it seems to be, disguises what it is so perfectly, that the poison of lies it pours, is being drunk as if it were the most delicate elixir of truth and enlightenment. You would not even have expected to find such an infernal mind residing inside such a heavenly creature? Neither did I.

This room is called the room of deceits, delusions and malice.

Nothing inside it is what it seems. Lies are its dwellers' truth. Pleasure gained through evil deeds willfully done, is the sole motive that reigns it. Oh, but you do not believe me. Let us move on, then.

Do you see anything special in this hallway? It seems uninteresting, doesn't it? Sometimes it expands into a room of itself. But you have to be open to the injection of that expansion. You do not know this hallway very well, but you are very well acquainted with the room it leads to. Let us enter it.

You surely feel very comfortable around here. This is a warehouse of all the things to behold in this world. Some perceive it as a mere collection of mostly useless items kept on shelves, not connected to each other and free of a specific meaning. But not to you. What you see is enjoyable and colorful, a complex and esthetic intervoven pattern, connected by fluid threads of knowledge that originated from the spring of the many waters which form the vast ocean of understanding. These waters are education, thinking, practice, upbringing and socialization.

They can flow where there is no love, but that makes them cold and foul. I have no doubt there was a lot of love flowing into your upbringing and you feel a warm sensation when wandering through this room, walking on safe ground. What you behold here, is what you know. And the more you know the more you behold of that, which is floating in between the items stored here: their relation to each other, their state of being the cause and the effect of one another.

This is the room of comprehension.

In this room, the predominant feel of your personality state does reside, in the now. You have come to a moment of being yourself, that is characterized by your trust in having gained a great degree of comprehension of the world around you. It makes your world beautiful, for you perceive so much that others will never ever be able to behold. It also guards you from hopelessness to some extent, since it gives you the energy to jump over the obstacles coincidence, society and malice might throw in your way. But it cannot guard you from sadness or disillusion. And it cannot protect you from being fooled. You like to believe that, yet it is not so.

Open your mind and permit it to question what you have long accepted as truth. And open yourself to new experiences and the reexperiencing of the feelings you had, when the you was someone else. Forgetting is the crime of killing moments of life.


Remember when I told you that I have come to make you aware of the fact that you can be in all of your different personality states at the one moment in time, that is always now? To show you how this awareness of being all of your own selves in the now is obtained?

Let us go back through that hallway which lead us to the room of comprehension. There are different ways to unite your personality states and become one wholesome you. Many seek this way through striving for comprehension of the world and of their own connection to it; so that through this channel they might comprehend their own self via informed introspection, using the tools of knowledge for self-analysis.

Some still don't find the way they're looking for. There are no answers to be found for them, yet they demand to be responded to, for they have proposed legitimate questions. They observe, feel, listen, taste, smell...yet they cannot find the information they need, to feel illuminated. Trapped within the boundaries of their own senses they seek expansion of their own mind.

Now look at the walls of this hallway again. See them floating backwards to all sides and turning into a soft and bright fluid light. We have gone blank again, and from this blankness emerges a kaleidoscope of miracles, a myriad of feelings some contradicting each other, some feelingless feelings impossible to describe. The mind's true liberation through the mind's empowerment by expansion beyond its own borders, as unimaginable as a universe that expands into nothingness, which is beyond the borders of expansion where there is no space existent, and yet gives space to the everything of creation. The impossible and the possible at the same time becomes impossible and yet possible.

Explanations are unneeded and unexisting and yet in not existing they can be felt and understood beyond forms of comprehension known to our mind while in its state of being imprisoned by reality. Let go of all you knew and know, through feeling alone. You will float to heights and depths all in the now and feel the dawning of the new age that is enabled through morphic resonance originating in a critical number of our species making that experience, becoming that experience, melting into the feel of it and becoming the feel of it.

This is where all you have ever been and felt, and been through feeling and felt through being, will merge. This is the knowing how it is, to be your own self of so many nows in that one big now. Verily, this is the coalescence of all your personality states in the now and the you becoming one with what you know, feel, think and the knowledge, feelings, thoughts of every other entity that ever was. You are collective consciousness. There is no ego, yet you are there for you are that which is: the existence itself. And in that now, you behold the endless beauty of colors no one knows the names of.

Then, at the climax of you being yourself, the mood changes radically and you move on to a state of being deeply relaxed and happy, floating, spinning, feeling your brain and seeing your thoughts visualized in letters floating above you, feeling your old ideas and concepts being new and hilariously funny.

Then, there is an intense visitation of energy. You are overflowing with boundless power and strength. Awaker than awake and full of action, that you know with full conviction will lead to achieving whatever goal you pursue, so spectacularly, that the creation will grow and flourish to be a living laudation, ceaselessly hailing the neverending fountain of glorious triumph that is you. Feel this triumph bleed out of your nostrils and look into the mirror of blood that is forming down on the ground. Look inside it and ask yourself: is this still what I had been looking for?

Then it is energy in your veins, pulsating and pumping. You have become an entity of higher order and your heated embrace of the world is like a pyromaniac's strive for the warmth inside, that turns cold whenever the energy stops flowing in. This is your blood eating you.

And there: this is the last taboo falling, for this is you, the incarnation of apocalyptic prophecy. Behold the walls attacking you; behold that, which claims to be yourself, righteously tearing them down. Bricks are raining onto the hot flaming sea of your burning justice and turning into drowning fates. This is when you realize that you have lost your way. And then you look up and see the devildusted face of a deceitful angel flapping its wings full of hooks that promise to never let you go.

This room is one of very ambivalent experiences and a wide spectrum of feelings. It is beautiful beyond explanation, terrifying, funny, thoughtprovoking, fascinating, painful, energizing, depressing, seductive, imprisoning, liberating,...and it is free for you to play in, as long as you are willing to allow the consequences as your playmates. This is the room of nature and chemistry. A hallway for some, to get to the room of comprehension and gain insight into their selves. A place to stay, for others.

This is the room of substances.

Would you like to stay? Think about it for a moment.
Then follow me into the next room.


See the guy on that couch? Feel who he is? We saw him being lacerated and decomposed by the razorblades of depression, which the cruel and defamatory zebra had dripped all over him. He has survived and he's happy. How can this be?

See the two girls at his sides? They are the ones who saved the rest of his mind, that his continuously decomposing body is still able to contain. When he leaves, he will leave in peace, for the truth of his own self is flowing inside these two girls' spirits. Their connection of minds and souls is illuminating through honesty, consoling through empathy, energizing through being what it is. Their blood has mixed in a ritual making them brothers and sisters. A mystic triumvirate symbol proclaims this event. Look at the inscription: mixtura sanguinis nostri, nos coniugat in aeternam. You know what that means, as you are very fluent in Latin.

Look at them. They are merely sitting there, sometimes engaging in conversation, sometimes not talking at all, sometimes floating. Yet, when they are together, their own personality states of then, now and to come, will coalesce and make each of them a complete being, operating at the height of wholesomeness and unity of selves. Now, the streams of their personalities, having merged into rivers, flow into one another. All of them have seen great sorrow and evil in this dimension. Yet nothing can harm them while being together.

For this room they reside in, is called the room of true friendship.

I doubt it not, that you might have some people to share this room with you. And if you do, treasure it. If not, do not seek them, for they do not come into your life through searching. Be open for destiny to give you what you shall receive in that state of now to come. You have learned that to every thing there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. But time does not exist but as the specific feel of your current personality state.

Attune your state to be a state of openness. Trust somebody you have no reason to trust. Beware of somebody you deem trustworthy.

This is the end of our journey.
Love and light on your ways...


As she awoke, she found herself right in the midst of remembering her journey as a weird dream in fluid technicolor, that lasted just as long as it takes for her big eyelids to wash her huskyblue eyes clean. She randomly remembered some scenes from her life that day, and she felt as if being there and what it was like to be herself, when then was now.

Memories of how we used to be, are more than thoughts illuminating us as to why we have become the way we are now. They are doors we can open, with a little experience, to perceive, recognize and be all of our own self in the now, and not just the end product of the process of aging.


This text has no official purpose and your memory of it will self-destruct in twelve seconds.

Remember what the dormouse said: Feed your head...

Writing || Articles | Canonical Girl's Journey: A Psychedelic Meditation on the Phenomenal Qualia of Personality States and their Coalescence in the Now

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